It’s that time of the year when I reflect, albeit, I am a little early.
This is an excerpt from my reflection last year:
I’ve been keeping a jar containing post-it notes of all the good that happened in 2013. I remember seeing the idea on Tumblr and thought it was an easy and efficient way to document my 2013. It turned out to be a very therapeutic and reflective exercise for myself. On December 31, when I looked through my incredibly full jar and read the notes, I got very emotional because I saw how much I grew and experienced within a span of a year. That’s not to say that the year was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes. There are so many aspects of my personality and self that I need to improve. Putting my notes in a jar, whether the “good” was big or small, allowed me to quantify and qualify my year. And really, my year was damn good.
Here’s to an even better 2014. I have a feeling it’s going to trump 2013 and be life-changing in the best possible way.
Well here I am, writing my reflection on a train from Amersfoort, Netherlands to Berlin, Germany – I think that is a pretty indicator of where I am and who I am at the end of 2014. I’m a spontaneous, fragile state of matter and energy. Why am I on a train to Berlin? Why am I in Europe? I think that this has been a year of….“What the – ?”….on my part and anyone else who cares.
Does that make sense?
To tell you the truth, 2014 started out as one of the most difficult years of my life. I was at a crossroads of confusion. I wasn’t happy with my job in fashion, I found love and lost love, and I lost all confidence in my abilities and most devastatingly, myself.
I won’t cookie cut it. I was heartbroken at the beginning of summer. I didn’t know how to deal with a failed relationship that meant a lot to me because it was casual (and I agreed to it). I had never been in a relationship before and it meant the world to me to have someone who just seamlessly fit into my life and worked at trying to understand me. People like that don’t come often and when they do, it’s…the best feeling in the world. I was at my happiest at that time.
When it ended, I was so hurt. Like I said before, the first is always the worst. I lost myself physically and mentally. I saw therapists. Tears were a familiar companion at night. During the summer, I would always ride a Citibike to WTC Path Station after work and lie on the grass in the park nearby, looking at the sky until it turned dark, while listening to sad songs.
I always blamed myself because I thought that I didn’t show that I cared enough. I thought I didn’t try hard enough to make it work. When in reality, maybe it wasn’t meant to work. Maybe it was meant to be for just eight months.
I’m slowly learning to embrace that whatever will be, will be. If you’re meant to be with someone, you will find each other or find your way back to each other. You can’t dwell on what happened in the past. You have to – no – you must, focus on what is happening right here and right now because there are people all around who care about you so much and when you’re hurt, they’re hurt too. You can’t be selfish.
I can’t be selfish and that is the one thing I regret the most this year.
The one great thing that came out of my heartbreak was that it was the catalyst for me to quit my job and apply to graduate school in London. I honestly applied to school in London specifically to get away from all the memories made the months before.
And it was the best decision of my life.
I always told everyone that I liked the way fashion journalism was done in London and that it would be a dream to work for a magazine like Dazed & Confused or Tank Magazine. But I have changed in that regard. While I still want to write about fashion in a more thoughtful context, I don’t want to be that kind of writer anymore.
Maybe it’s the influence of my course or being in a city where people care so much about news and current events. Maybe it’s because I am so inspired by my classmates and journalists/speakers who came to the lectures. Maybe it’s because I can see myself being that person reporting on international news, on location. Or on the news desk. I don’t know yet. All I know is that I want to tell stories and report the news from all over the world. I want to tell stories that need to be told. I know that for sure now.
When I think about what led me to journalism, I feel like it was in the plans all along. Everything I have done so far in my life has lead me here, from my short foray in theatre to studying Biology; from ice skating to teaching myself how to code – every little thing I have learned and done was for a reason.
Being alone in London has taught me so much about myself. I learned that sometimes I am way too nice, but sometimes it’s better to be generous and nice, than selfish and fake. I learned that I have to stop giving so many second chances to people. I am learning to let things go if they don’t work out. I’ve learned that if someone wants you in their life, they will work hard to keep you in their life. I’ve learned that love isn’t always reciprocated, no matter how much you show you care. I’ve learned that the world is so open for me to embrace and do good things – if and only if, I do the work to make it happen.
I want to live in London indefinitely. I know it’s probably too early to say that and it might not even happen, but I really believe that I am at my best in this city. I believe that this is where I am supposed to be.
2014 definitely trumped 2013 – I was right about that. This was the year I think everything finally made sense. Despite the heartbreak, pain and confusion, this was the year I truly figured out who I am. Or I’m moving in the right direction, at least.
2015 is going to be about pursuing my dream of being a journalist/reporter for a major news organization. 2015 is the year I am going to fight for the life I want.